Ever since the National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984, turning twenty-one is the single most important event in the life of an American youth. Though I was already intimate with the effects of the cocktail prior to turning twenty-one, the significance of the date as a societal rite of passage weighed heavy on me; I knew I had to enter the age of inebriation with confetti, streamers, and a big sweaty brass band. My first inclination was to get married in Vegas and paint the town proverbially red. However, after asking, drunkenly, several of my female friends for their hand and getting drinks thrown in my face in reply, I decided on the next best thing: I would fill my trunk up with a preposterous quantity of hooch and go camping with the guys in Henry Miller's Big Sur.
I made some calls and rounded the troops up at the Bevmo for supplies. Our budget was around $300 combined and most of that went to the purchase of vodka, hard cider, rum, and beer. We stuffed my old baby blue Buick's trunk full of booze and gleefully headed north up the 101 like Paul on the road to Damascus.
We spent the first night in San Luis Obispo at my friend's dorm to disastrous results. Willie attended Cal Poly as a Child Development major and for whatever reason was living in a "dry" dorm, which we were loudly making as wet as humanly possible. In the midst of our revelry Elliot and I went out to the third story walk way to have a smoke under the prominently displayed No-Smoking sign. Being in good spirits we were screaming witticisms good naturedly at passersby while our cancers billowed like smoke signals for the authorities. Unfortunately we decided to yell "Hail Satan, ma'am! Have a wonderful evening!" at Willies residential advisor (read: the one person whom you do not drunkenly yell things at). She promptly walked up the three flights of stairs to ascertain our reason for being drunk on school property, a school which we clearly did not attend. Realizing that the situation called for a quick tongue and a sharp mind I readied myself and tried my best to act polite and sober.
"I apologize ma'am for the shouting; my companion and I had a few drinks at the restaurant next to our hotel, the Sunrise Hotel to be specific (an obvious lie). I guess we got a little carried away. Once again I offer my sincerest apologies for the disturbance, we'll leave campus immediately," I managed to rattle off nimbly. She looked upset and a little confounded by my politeness. She was about to speak when Elliot decided to question her authority.
"I don't have to tell you anything; why would I tell you anything; it's none of your business." Definitely perturbed by this statement the RA asked us whose dorm we were staying in.
Elliot and I responded in unison, "Why would I tell you?" At that moment Tyler opened the door and poked his head out, quizzically looking at us and at the RA's face, then laughed and closed the door, a moment later Willie emerged.
"What's up Anne?" asked Willie, addressing the RA.
Anne let out a deep sigh and said, "We're going to have to search your dorm, Willie." Now keep in mind that when Elliot and I left the dorm there were bottles, cans, and shot glasses strewn about like toys in a toddler's room.
"OH! Um...well, yea. OK." Willie mumbled and backed up slowly into his room with a fallen countenance. He disappeared briefly and reemerged with a beaming face and said, "Oh yea, cool! Sure, come on in, Anne!" Elliot and I exchanged a glance of horror and confusion. Anne walked in the door and we tip-toed behind her preparing ourselves to run. Somehow Willie's roommates and our friend Tyler had managed to hide the evidence while we were in dialogue with Anne; the dorm was spotless. However, Anne called for backup and a thorough search was conducted. They found vodka in the freezer and empty bottles stashed under the sink. We all sat there forlornly as more bottle were uncovered. Convinced that she would find drugs Anne had personally searched Willie's room for anything illicit.
She triumphantly strode up to us with a small, seemingly metal pipe in her hand, arrogantly waved it around and asked, "And what is this, Willie?"
We all tried to conceal out merriment as Willie took it from Anne's hand and coolly replied, "This, Anne, is a Kazoo, Wwwbbbzzz!"
soo good
ReplyDeleteOh, you boys and your witticisms.
ReplyDelete